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About Deviant neopoklesFemale/Sweden Recent Activity
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Hi, this is my photography account from now on, have been thinking about starting one for a while but never got around to do it.

Most of my pictures here will be taken with my iPhone or iPad, but I do have a new camera bought in 2012 I think it was. Dont remember the name of it at this moment, but its a compact digital camera, Canon, with 12.1 MP. Not that that means anything to me :XD: I just point and shoot.

I'm not even a hobby-photographer, I just take pics sometimes, and most of them are just trash anyway. But I hope I can get the interest up for this thing :nod:

I strongly recomend my Favourites gallery over my own. There I collect the gems I find among pics portraying animals and nature. There are just so many pics out there that are great but it looks silly to fave ten similar looking pics so I usually just pick out one or two I like more. So if you find something in that gallery - dont miss the More-like-this option! That has found me hundreds of favs.

My digital art account :iconfiffiluren:

28 juli 2016 
In the middle of the workweek in between vacations. On monday Im off from work for an other six weeks! Damn I need that...
Was gonna write a joke update on facebook, "Anyone wanna be daycare for my dog if I go to (whatever the townname was) next week and get a puppy?" But didnt put it out there, would just depress me even more. The black borzoi puppy is looking for a home again, the last speculants didnt work. So this is the universe pissing on me, saying na-na-na-na and holding it out of reach. The usual. Also there is this kitten I have been looking at for weeks, still hasent found his forever home. But I already have two and transporting three cats, the rats and the mouse I might pick up next week is just gonna be to much, especially in this apartment that is not huge. And my sister is moving to the other side of town so noone to watch the girl when I go to my real home. 
What ever.

Batman nerd alert again!
This time Im gonna talk Batgirl, as in Barbra Gordon and not the other girls. Saw the movie Killing Joke yesterday. Still dont get it. I read the comic some time back, and didnt get it then either. The end is just weird. 
Anyway, the comic is not very long so they fillied out the movie with an other episode, Batgirl is chasing down some crimeboss nephew, but Batman dont want her on the case cause the bad guy has some sick crush on her and objectifies her and so on, she does not get how dangerous that is and he wants her off the case. Anyhow, they get in a huge fight that ends a little unexpectedly. They have sex.
They were touching this little "tabue" subject already in the animated series, where Barbara and Bruce would possibly be a thing. But I personally feel very uncomfortable with that and never liked that pairing. Perhaps mainly cause of the age-difference, she is 16ish when she starts out as Batgirl. Bruce is 25 when he starts and she comes in a year or so after that, depending on the version. Sometimes she is first, other times its Grayson. 
She is Batgirl for roughly three years before Joker shots her and she becomes paralyzed and takes up the seat as Oracle. 
In other versions she is dating Grayson, who is closer to her age. In the Arkham games, she is even engaged to Tim and marries him in the end of Arkham Knight. In the animated series Tim is a lot younger than her and little more than a kid, Grayson is closer to her age. 
This is all in different lines and versions so its not on the same timeline. But it still feels like they are "slutting her out". Not cool. That was what I was mainy thinking of but other things Batgirl... In New 52, she has her legs back. This is supposed to be a year or so after she was shot and she is out on the roofs again. But I also think this is the only version were that happens without technology. In Birds of Prey she can walk with some painful contraption but it works badly. Maybe she should get that chip they put in Felicity Smoaks back after she was shot in Arrow?
And also, what is up with the names?! What is it with americans and naming their kids after themselves? James Gordon have two kids with his first wife, whose name is Barbara. The kids are James Jr and Barbara. That is so wierd. Also Jim Gordon in Gotham does not have any kids yet, but Bruce is 14-15 or so so Barbara should be at least three?! And that Barbara is totally weird and Lee Tompkins has left town after her and Jims baby died. They were never a thing in the comics as far as I know, but I like that pairing. Will see what they do with it...

  • Mood: nothing right now
  • Listening to: soundtrack to Zootopia
  • Reading: dont remember the booktitle, but I try to read again, it goes slowly
  • Watching: Zootipoa, have seen that movie almost every day since last monday. Dont know why, its just so easy to watch, and I love it of course. I absolutesly fell in love the with the town of Zootopia, with all its different habitats and thinking about how they make it work to have desert next to tundra next to rainforest. But should not overanalyze this movie, it has some weird bits. Like the skunkbutrug. This is a world of animals, they cant possibly be making rugs out of the skin of other animals?! So I like to think that its just the fur, that he shedded it or shaved it. And why would bunnies get 276+ kids in a world where they are not hunted by predators? The world will be overpopulated by bunnies! 
  • Playing: Pokemon Gó, yes I do
  • Eating: 
  • Drinking: 
  • Dog: I try not to, but will soon end up in a new pitch


19 june 2016 

Am sad today, dont know why, but perhaps watching How to train your dragon one and two this morning. I absolutely love them but they also make me sad. Always the boy with his dog – sorry, dragon. But still. I want a dragon – sorry, dog. Well, I want a dragon as well, but this world decided to be boring and full of disgusting humans that destroy everything he touches. But on the upside, the world is burning with humans destroying each-other just as much as our world. So maybe we’ll extinct ourselves? And give the world a new start.

Seven days til my vacation part one this summer. Am gonna be off from work for nine weeks altogether this year and I really need that. But would rather be off permanently. I need a year. Or a hundred. And when autumn comes Ill work with a new team (maybe they’ll steal a week of my vacation because of it, but perhaps not) and I really don’t like the “team leader”.  I just don’t WANT TO anymore…

On an other note, I got an other rat! His name is Humla (Bumbelbee) short for Dumbledore. Ive had him for two weeks already and he is awesome. He is very playful and curious and right now he is snuggled down on my neck. Pics will come eventually.

And Im obsessed with ferrets these days. Ever since I got the apartment it has felt like I now have the room to get one, but with the cats I don’t know…? But they aren’t the real issue. No, the fact that I have to go 1000 miles to get one is. Even if a breeder would approve of me. No, that also, will have to want til I can live in the house permanently.

Hanvet thought much about dogs this week, until I saw a sales add with Scottish Deerhounds and one with borzois – where one of them was almost all black. Broke my heart again.

And then they showed the very last episode of How I met your mother, again. That always makes me cry. For various reasons.

Will just go back to my Batman-addiction, probably a lot healthier than all this crap rolling around in my head. 

  • Mood: tired and sad
  • Listening to: 
  • Reading: lots of Batman-comics
  • Watching: Just saw season two of Gotham, lots of emotions and thoughts there. 
  • Playing: tapped out
  • Eating: sandwiches
  • Drinking: milkshakes
  • Dog: ferret


4 june 2016
This part is ALL Batman, nerd-alert!
This could acutally be more apropriate on my other deviant-page, but I have mentioned it before in some early part of this journal so what the heck. I read a lot of comics. All of them Batman-related. Care to guess how many I have? I cant tell you the exact number but (I have them all digital) the folder containes over 3300 files! And I dont even have the while Detective comic collection (some 800+ comics). That is some serious reading time ahead of me. Have gotten a few more since I wrote last. And didnt read for a few months but have now picked it up again. There are a few comics that connect to the Arkham games, before and after, even during. Spoilers ahead for Arkahm Knight! 
Origianlly Jason was the second Robin, loved the job, (maybe a little to much) came in hot a few times and sometimes didnt think things through. But the one thing he had thought through, long and hard was that the Joker needed to be taken down. SO, if I remember this correctly, he shut down all his comunication and tracking so that Batman could not stop him from what he thought was absolutely necessary - to kill the Joker. Except it went sideways and Joker cought him instead. And when Batman cant find him Joker beats him to death. Or maybe that is just what I had concocted in my own head to make it fit? 
Saw the movie Under the Red Hood again, Jason chases after Joker and Batman gets held up and cant help him. Unfortunatly the headstart is to great and when Batman cathces up to Robin the building he is in explodes. With Jason in it, beaten to a pulp with a crowbar and unable to get out (A death in the family). Ra's Al Ghul revives him in secret and Jason emerges confused and crazed. When he comes back to Gotham five years later it is as the Red Hood, and he actually has no grude against Bruce, but he cant forgive that Joker is still alive. 
In Arkham Knight, Jasons story is far, FAR worse. Here he also chases after Joker into a building that explodes over them, leaving Batman outside not knowing if they are live or dead. While Bruce digs through the rubble Joker drags an uncontious Jason away (why Bruce could not just track him by the standard GPS they all have in their suits??). Joker then stores him away in a forgotten part of Arkham Asylum, where he is kept, and tortured and mind-fucked totally for TWO YEARS. Where he is turned against Batman with every move and thought. Eventually he starts to belive it. Months after Joker took him, with Batman serching like a madman with no results, Joker videotapes him beating and showing how utterly broken Jason is, and shoots him right before he utters the identity of the Dark Knight. "Never liked a tattletale". At this point Bruce is now fully convinced that Jason is dead, and during the following months he takes out his sorrow and rage on any sorry scum he happens to came across - and here is where Tim Drake comes in. He seas that Batman is totally out of balance and tries to do what he can to help him, even figuring out who he really is. Eventually taking a place as the third Robin.
Now, Jason didnt die when Joker shot him, cause the Joker had a sergeun save his life so that Joker finally could have his own sidekick (that is not Harley Quinn). Some time after that Joker taunts him with surveilance pictures taken of Batman and the new Boy wonder, how he has forgotten about the last one and simply replaced the bird he lost. This is probably where Jason totally breaks down mentally, the thought that he would mean so little to the man that took him in as a ward, a son. 
During the Arkham Asylum riots where Joker goes Titan, Jason "escapes" (also a part of the plan) with Deathstroke and after that they have an alliance when Jason steals money from Bruce to pay him off. Some six months later, during Arkham City, he finds out that Joker let him escape - that nothing he did was his own choice, that it was all part of the plan. No chance to kill the clown as he dies from side-effects of the titan later that night. 
After this he starts to plan his revenge on Batman for real. Stealing their gear and breaking into the Batcave (Where he finds the monument of him, with his suit and a picture of them, both of which he have no idéa how to react to), training militia from all over the world, and scaring the Gotham villans into working for him. One part of this is where he kills Bane (but Bane is leading the war on taking over Gotham after Batman supposedly dies in the end of Arkham Knight?? Some miss in the comunication there between authors). 
The Arkham Knight makes his official appearance. With a plan to destroy Bruce mentally before killing him. A kind of concentrated dose of what he himself lived through. And which he here was utterly convinced was all Bruces fault. 
At their final confrontaion in the end of the game, when Batman finally finds out who he is all fight more or less leaves them both. With a very tired and emotional Bruce and an equally tired and confused Jason. His mind trying to remember past all the torture he'd gone through, where even a thought of Batman rescuing him would bring pain, until he didnt dare think it anymore. That he again had to change his thinking about things and the situation. Later he dissapears (for a short while). The plan to destroy the Batman is still in motion and when Crane is about to kill the (not so scared) Dark Knight Jason stops him. Proving there is still some small part of him that remembers who he used to be.
Will read Red Hood and the outlaws and Red Hood and Arsenal later, thoght he had his own comic in the new 52 but guess not.
Yes I have been thinking A LOT about Jason these past few days. 
This is one of those situations where I get so involved emotionally, where it feels like people I care about hurt each other cause they cant talk to each other. You know, where I stand behind a glasswall, banging like an idiot but still cant do a damn thing about them screwng everything up. (Note that this is me with my stories, I rarely feel this strongly about real people, some would say that is a fault, but I just choose to live in a different world, a world I cant change or take any real part of, but still). Had I been there, I would have told Jason everything that Bruce had been going trought since he dissapeard, since the big man sucks at telling what he feels. And Bruce I would punch (probably bruising my hand) and tell him to hug his goddamn son and not let go! 
But I think Bruce is very scarred emotionally. His parents where his only real friends (he lost contact with Tommy Elliot after the latter lost his dad) and when they died, he felt responsible cause they where out that night to see a movie he wanted to see. He also probably felt like every person he openly loves will leave him or die. So that is why he treats Alfred like a butler but still goes through hell to save him. Cause he loves him but dont dare to show it. He lost Dick Greyson, when he was overprotecting him, and Dick wanted to go his on way. When Jason decided to prove that he could do more than save civillians and babysit downed thugs it went south and he got killed. So when Tim came, Bruce treated him even colder than the others. Dont show emotions, or he will die. Damien is mostly treated like a soldier, and not a son. Surprice, surprice. When they finally start having some kind of relationship Bruce goes missing (I havent read this chapter yet) and when he comes back and everyone is ready to start again - Damien dies. But this time Bruce takes extremes meassures to get him back.
And Barbara was shot because she is a Gordon, not Batgirl, but still.
In the Arkham Knight comic that takes place before the game, James Gordon does not know that Batman is also Bruce Wayne, and yet he calls him "Bruce" in the elevator after the Knight controntaion on the way up to the roof to meet Scarecrow - BEFORE the outning on national tv. And Poison Ivy dies but reappears. Another few annoying misses.

Will leave it at that for now. My whole being itches to play this game again, but I will save it a while longer. 


20 may 2016
I have been in one of my depression-dips for perhaps three days now, three or four, doesnt matter. You know the ones I told you about where I just want to die every second of every day? During these periods I cant tackle anything. Everything overwhelms me and makes me just want to crawl into a dark space and die. Its extra hard when these days crash with my worst dog-needing-days AND when Im in this shithole of a town at the same time. My want for a dog also goes up and down from need one to even be able to breath to total indifference. I just feel so alone. That this kind if dips has been going on for the better part of a year but noone seems to react, not my friend (no, not a typo, I have A friend) or my family, makes me wonder even more what I actually matter to them. I know Im almost always gloom but when I have these days my insides are pitchblack. Yesterday at work I almost went the entire shift without talking, and I think I smiled once, until I had to twenty minutes before going home.
When I have these days, it feels like if anyone would ever bother to come by they would find me three days dead. I cant take feeling like this anymore. I just keep counting down til sunday, monday -sunday, monday - sunday, monday - sunday, in an endless cycle. 
A tiny glimmer of hope caught me when they at work started talking about notices going out soon. Due to budgetcuts. Perhaps Ill be free of this town soon. Really, if I could leave it behind and never come back. I most likely would.


19 may 2016
Finally got the boys to see a vet about their suspected parasites, they got some medication to take in the mouth (no picnic since they hate to be handled) and I saw improvements right away. And now a week later I find a lump on Merlin, could be tumor, a clump of fat or an infection. My guess would be the last one cause it came up so fast! But dont know what to do about the vet. Im working night and are supposed to be asleep when they can take phonecalls, and its friday tomorrow and I work ALL weekend. AND I am supposed to go to the house next week. On monday. Will have to call a vet down there to check it out. 
Also more or less gave up on that breeder. So I went back to that old forum, but the activity there has gone down exceptionally. Got some help, but not really anything I didnt already knew.
And now this. 
This morning I was so motivated to get home and try to build up our relationship again, but now it just died again. Im just sad and tired all the time. I hate working night...
Right now Im having oune of those episodes where I cant be in my own head, skin or body. I just want to get out and leave it all behind. But Im stuck. Physically and mentally.

Took a few hours break there.
I wanted rats for twelve years before I got my first, and when I finally did everything went wrong. Not to mention my mental state. I am worse now than I have ever been, and I keep deterioration. Every time I have to leave my house to back to this stupid town for work I die a little more. At least that is what it feels. Cant live like this any more. Should really quit my job, but what next huh? I dont want to do anything other than try to get the life I want, to get it together. I havent had me time in... ever. This apartment and this going back and fourth are messing with everything! Now its the rats. Merlin needs to see a vet about the lump, but because of a hundred lame excuses that cant happen yet. Will have to take him to a vet down there next week.

More I wanted to write but my messed up head wont cooperate.

  • Mood: exhausted, tired, sad (not enough to describe it)
  • Listening to: radio
  • Reading: have started on several books but cant seem to finish them any more
  • Watching: Arrow, Flash. Agents of Shield, Grimm, Elemantary
  • Playing: Cookie Cats
  • Eating: chocolate and fruits
  • Drinking: juice
  • Dog: Canaan


16 april 2016 

I was seriously suicidal this morning when I got off from work. Not because I work night and was exhausted and hungry, I actually felt fine about that (somewhat). No, it was just this overwhelming of my near future. My boss called me and asked if I wanted to take a two week education to get some competence for a possible other job (with a high risk factor that I would have to move to said job in the fall) and I got til monday morning to think about it. That job would with extremely high risk-factor be a daytime job. And I have already explained why that dont work. I was also thinking to look for an other job close to my house, but there is more or less the same problem there - I have to learn a new job and a bunch of new people. I scares me! This! That I have right now works fine! I just wish I had a life in this town to go with it, but fate wanted differently.
Was also terribly alone again, even if I could blow off some steam talking to my brother yesterday. 
No, I was seriously thinking about ending it, cause I cant handle this stress of EVERYTHING. And the thought that a lot of people would not even notice or care that I went away made me sadder, the thought that my dad would be crushed mad me even sadder, all in a vicious cycle. 
I was even staring to write my goodbye letters in my head to the few people I felt needed one.

Everyone just expects me to get through this, ME the extremely depressed and most self-loathing person I have ever seen. I can't do anything, not even kill myself...

Ught, to many I's and Me's and My's , I wanna puke.


14 april 2016

Really needed to talk to someone, but since my options are limited, Ill write here instead. Even if I KNOW Ill never be able to get a dog until I can live in my house at full-time I keep obsessing over dogs, I keep following breeders and I look at dogs all the time. Either on the internet or out in the street, wondering...
So, the reason Im writing - the breeder I have mentioned before just got their second litter of the year, the first one was born less than three months ago. The thing is they used the same male in both litters, AND I have also mentioned him before, cause he is born in july 2014 - as in not even two years old and already has he fathered three litters. How can they possibly know that he is that worthy? He could have any number of problems that show later in life! But because he was good at a dogshow once? When he was still a juvenile?
But also the female, this is her fouth litter since 2013. Which means she has gotten a litter every year for four years. With no breathingroom. And the worst of all - this is all legal. The recommendations say that a female can have a maximum of 3-4 litters during her lifetime and that she has to rest at least a year in between. With males the only thing I could find was that he can not father more that five percent of that generation of that breed (tough when it such a rare breed). So no matter how uncomfortable this makes me I just have to accept it. Unless she has a litter next year as well.
And also, they finally updated their website with new pics of their dogs and how many they have. BUT my favoritguy is gone! And they have said nothing, nothing on the website and nothing on facebook, so have no idea what happened to him. And he is only eight.
Started to look for other breeders, same breed, but it trickier. There are some in Norway and Denmark, but if Im gonna have to import a dog, I might as well take one from the native land - Israel. The thing is, I want to meet the dog first to make sure we match.
BUUUT, this is al fantasyland anyway, Im never getting a dog...

  • Mood: exhausted 
  • Listening to: the tv
  • Reading: Mr Mercedes but Stephen King
  • Watching: Bitten, Arrow, Flash. Agents of Shield, Once upon a time, Grimm, Elemantary
  • Playing: Rise of Berk, Candy Crush
  • Eating: -
  • Drinking: juice
  • Dog: Canaan


12 april 2016

Have I told you about Jossi before? My first pet rat? I know I posted a picture of her once and told her story there, will link further down... The reason I mentioned it is because, yesterday she entered my mind again unexpectedly and I tried to remember her birthday. But I had to look it up. Turns out it was feb 9. The day she died was april 11th, seven years ago. I'm still wondering what would have been different had I taken her home, how I would have been different, my life? Really miss my special little girl... And I only have the one decent pic of her, all the others are blurry or you cant see her face. 
My biggest mistake ever was to leave her behind. 
Jossi by neopokles

In the blackness again, but dont know if it is hormonal or if I checked with the calendar and thought - yes, it time for that again. Sunday night I just wanted out, total panic cause I was trapped in my own head and could not get away, had to got to bed really early just to get away from it, now Im just quiet or angry or sad.

Still not really thinking about dogs, but have to cut them out completely. 

Still nothing new with that rat-breeder, have been trying to get her help since december, but she more or less ignores me. Intentionally or not, it hurts. A lot. And I dont want to keep sending her reminders and look like some crazy stalker. But I dont know what to do, she is basically my only chance of getting the rat I want, that does not panic when I pic em up. And that wants to be with me and play with me and sleep next to me, that trust me. I really dont like having animals that I dont have that heart-to-heart connection with. And Ive had my fair share of them.

  • Listening to: just finished the audiobook Hexed by Kevin Hearne, will see if I read the others again
  • Reading: Mr Mercedes by Stephen King. But have been starting serveral book and not been able to finish them, dont know whats up with that?
  • Watching: Bitten, Arrow, Flash. Agents of Shield, Once upon a time, Grimm, Elemantary
  • Playing: Rise of Berk, Candy crush Jelly and Soda
  • Eating: -
  • Drinking: juice
  • Dog: -


23 mars 2016

I want mice again. Really miss these tiny warm soft bodies, but to have yet another animal to transport to and fro is no fun. I already have to carry two transports and a bag or two up or sown three flights of stairs every week. And I hate it. And adding a mouse to that? Technically he can go in a bag, and like the rats move between two cages but still... 
Am trying to talk to the rat breeder but something is wrong in our communication so she never see whenever I have written her, so I have to wait weeks for her replies, and I most often wont get one if I dont go in and tell her Ive sent a message. Really frustrating... And ist also very hard not to take it personally, and think that she is intentionally ignoring me. Really dont think she is. But I have to controll myself not to yell at her (which is entirely my problem, and not hers). Also dont want her to think Im stalking her or that Im wierd so I keep the messages few and try to be nice. 

Harry Potter and the Philosophers stone, they are showing it on tv on saturday. Havent seen any of the movies since I saw Deathly hallows part two on the big screen. Cant get over this block where I was so emotionally hurt by this story. But at the same time I love this world. Have been telling myself for over two years that NOW Im ready to see them again, but when it gets to it, I get a minor panicattack and I cant press play, and go through it again. Maybe I can see the first four films, before she started killing off everyone?

Added a new row in the list below, Dog. Just cause. The breed there is the one Im currently extra interested in, and it will change often. I have a very narrow taste in dogs, but I do find new breeds that interest me every so often. Its an extra cruel way of torturing myself, finding even more dogs that I cant have. 
This time its Podengo Portugues, in particular the small shorthair variety that caught my interest. They are very good looking dogs, and I adore the color. The down side with these are that they are primarily hunters (rabbits, rats aso) so I would have to find a breeder that focus on showdogs and have toned down the hunter in them. Since I have rats. And rabbits would be fun to try sometime. Never had rabbits. And then there is the large variety, it gets almost as tall and an irish wolfhound, and I really like their profile.
There I go again, making plans and trying to figure our how to make it work. There is just one catch - IT WILL NEVER WORK. HOWEVER. 

Am also watching all the cats this week while my parents are away on easter holiday (Im working, of course...) and had almost forgotten the stress of the girls not getting along. But get a rued reminder as soon as I try to go to sleep, as soon as I crawl under the covers the hiss and growl match starts up again... Takes forever to fall asleep ontop of me having mild insomnia. Fan-fecking-tastic...

  • Listening to: soundtracks
  • Reading: Staked by Kevin Hearne
  • Watching: Gotham, Bitten, Arrow, Flash. Agents of Shield, Shadowhunters, Shannara Chronicles, Once upon a time, Grimm, Elemantary
  • Playing: Rise of Berk, Candy crush Jelly and Soda
  • Eating: yogurt, candy
  • Drinking: juice
  • Dog: Podengo português liso pequeno


13 mar 2016 

So, just came out of a five day mayor depression, where I just wanted to die every second of every day. Now Im in the indifferent state where nothing gets to me or affects me. More or less. I just get those days, where I just stop caring about anything, even dogs. The absolute worst thing is that is hormonal-based, so its the same every month. I noticed the pattern this past winter, when I have been feeling so bad overall, that it also came back at the same time. Does not mean that all the other days Im fine, Im not.
I wrote on facebook the other day "facebooks not very nice to me today" with a bereft emoji. Got zero response. That was me trying to say I feel like dying. But most likely anyone who read it thought it was just glitching and refused to work that day. Sorry, you miss-read. 
Why facebook was not very nice to me was because I was in a superdepressed state, and the breeders I follow started posting pictures. First the rats, everyone of those have new homes, I can want one however much I want. Now I have to wait for the next one, and I might not get one there either. The other was the dogs, where they had gotten a pup back from a litter last year, and he might be up for rehoming. He is just so beautiful, and he looks so much like his dad. Felt like a knife through me that I can never have that. EVER. Cant have any dog. EVER.

Time is a funny thing when you are depressed, it moves so extremely slowly but when you look in a calendar its suddenly three months later, because its always the same, all the days just come together into one.

  • Listening to: soundtracks
  • Reading: -
  • Watching: just finished Teen wolf, felt like rewatching Gotham before starting on season two
  • Playing: Elders Scrolls OnlineAC Brotherhood and Chronicles RussiaRise of Berk
  • Eating: yogurt, candy
  • Drinking: milk, soda, juice
  • Dog: Canaan


28 feb 2016

STILL sick, this bloody cold wont leave me alone! Do not want to get back to work tomorrow, and do not want to get in my car to drive for four hours today cause I have to get to work tomorrow. Just want to stay in my damn house and shelter myself away from people. You know? I havent seen people in a week. The time on Wednesday(?) when I was to the store does not count. 

So, finally got a hold of the rat-breeder, turns out she never even saw I had sent messages. But she is still to busy to see me or even talk to me. Maybe in march. From the looks of it all the boys have new homes. And the only one I saw myself getting a chance at was called out on facebook, in plain sight, "I can take him", so thats how its gonna be? Just speak up first on a public forum and you'll get it? Sorry, that is not how I do things. She still has two boys though that she wants to keep, but with someone ells (dont know the english terms (where she still owns them and can use them for whatever, but they live with you)). And that feels like to big a responsability, cause I think Ill just fuck em up with my shitty behavior. I mean, I dont even take the time with my boys, should I ruin aomeone ellses rats cause I dont have the energy to socialize them? BUT the thing is also that they come pre-progammed to like humans, so it wont be as hard..? As long as I dont slack off.
But then again, thats what they said about two mice I bought from a breeder ones, they were just so nice and sweet and curious. They bit me and hid for days. One of them never stopped biting me. 

Got my heart broken, again. Saw a few dark borzoi puppies for sale (as far away from me as possible of course). They were just so beautiful and could have gotten more than one, the same could be said for this litter of mutts I also found (greyhound, german shepherd, labrador, alaskan husky and malamute). So pretty...
Had somewhat of a talk with my friend about getting animals or not now that I have my own place. But its still impossible. I cant put it on someone ells to walk my dog every day for seven days a week, just cause Im working. And she cant understand how much I need a dog. She thinks its the same as me wanting a few alpackas but that is equally impossible, I mean, I like alpackas but I dont need them. Same goes for ferrets and chinchillas. Which would also be fun to have one day.  
I NEED a dog. But at the same time I dont know if I have the energy or the mental strength to take care of one. I NEED a best friend who understands and that actually have the time for me ones in a while. Otherwise its ALWAYS me that has to adapt to everyone ells, I have to wait or move or do something. Never the other way around. But I also need to get out more, and start using my head and body again. I have withered away to this shadow of myself that I dont recognize anymore. I used to be smart, now Im just drawing a blank all the time. I used to draw, and be somewhat good at it and I could have been even better. But I gave up due to lack of confidence. I have given up so thoroughly about everything... Im just seeing monday-sunday-monday-sunday in an endless hamsterwheel. Where its all the same, all the time. I get up, go to work, come home, do nothing, go to bed. For seven days. Untill I come to my house, where I get up, do nothing, and go to bed.
Im just so sick of everything, of myself.
And Im also extremely anti-social, and cannot make new friends, I have tried but the effort takes a lot out of me, and people just dont seem to want to add me, they are just normally polite, so Im fine with that, I dont need them. I mean, I have been at the same job for years, and I still dont see any of my coworkers outside of work, never. So I stoop to buying my friends - in the form of pets. At least with a dog I would get out and maybe meet more likeminded people, like when I went to school, where I found the only two friends I have and are still in contact with.
And she told me she understands. No she does not. She has two awesome dogs. She has an awesome guy. She has an awesome house. Her dreamhouse. I dont live in my dreamhouse, its my sanctuary - yes, but not my dreamhouse. So she thinks she knows what Im going through cause she really wants a french bulldog but wont get one due to their healthproblems (read nose) and she does not want to support that kind of breeding. Well newsflash, you can always take a rescue.
I know her life is not all sunshine and rainbows. But she cant possibly begin to understand what goes on in my head. An other reason I dont tell her everything, or anything for that matter. One day maybe, Ill give her the link to this page and she can read for herself. 

I mentioned them before, but we have for a long time wanted ferrets. And now, technically, we can get them, now that I have my own place. But they are impossible to find. 1000 miles to the closest breeder and the same problem as before, we want to meet the pups at least one time first. So, it unlikely to ever happen... Not to mention all their health problems...

On an other note completely - I saw the Deadpool movie, and its awesome! So much fun.

Bio-Checklista 2016
Feb - Deadpool :bulletgreen:
Mar - Dawn of justice
Apr - Huntsman
  - Jungelbook
Maj - Civil war
  - X-men Apocalypse
Aug - Suicide squad
Okt - Dr Strange
Nov - Fantastic Beasts and where to find them
Dec - Assassin's Creed

  • Listening to: -
  • Reading: Assassins Creed Black Flag by Oliver Bowden (have read all the other up until this, but not sure I like em, things dont always match the games and other details are just annoying (like Maria Thorpes death), or like the fact that he does not appear to remember always that time has gone by, they can refer to something happening 14 years ago, when it has actually been another four years so it should be 18, or how about snow and frozen ground - in july (parallell to NYC)). Other than that, things might happen to fast or to slow, but I hope he is learning with every book
  • Watching: Da Vincis Demons, The Shannara Chronicles, Shadowhunters, Bitten, Teen Wolf
  • Playing: AC Brotherhood and Chronicles India, Rise of Berk
  • Eating: cake
  • Drinking: milk, soda, juice
  • Dog: Irish Wolfhound, Canaan Dog, Groenendal, Borzoi and whippet top the list this week


14 Feb 2016

Had this dream tonight were I picked out a bunch of dogs from this webpage for homeless dogs, just picked out a few with the idea that I would go to this place (that does not actually exist) and meet all of them and then deside which to take home. And everything was arranged with my sister and my mom, that they would help me, so I just had to find the one I wanted.

I even remember that all the dogs, all seven of them, had names, but right now I only remember the only one I had time to meet before I woke up – Audrey. Would never name my dog that, so don’t know where my brain got it. I also remember she listened very well, to me and to my mom. But she had bad teeth though and dirty ears…

Woke and realized, yet again, that is was a dream and will never be reality for a dozen reasons.

Still sick, and dont feel like going back to town and work. Have to go now (and I still have stuff to do) if Im gonna catch the Deadpool-movie on the bigscreen. Otherwise Ill miss til it comes on dvd...


10 feb 2016

Hi again.

So new journal.

Gonna start with the rats this time. I think I have gotten as far as I ever will with my boys, its just a coexisting were I feed them and get nothing back. They are never gonna trust me.

And I told you about that breeder I finally built up the courage to contact. Well I did, and I got no real response. Just excuses that she is really busy right now and that she’ll get back to me. That is seven weeks ago. So I wrote her again, some three weeks ago, but still no answer. Don’t even know if she’s bothered to read it. And I know she’s on facebook every day, cause she’s posting pics of this beautiful litter that she has right now, that I would love to be a part of. But it feels like all the boys are already planned for, but if she could just tell me that then, rather than just leave me hanging?

Should probably talk to her about it (or try at least) rather than bitch about it here… But I don’t know how to do that without getting annoyed at her.

I have told her how my rats live and how the situation looks, if she does not like it and don’t want to sell to me, cant she just tell me that? I know my motivation is not on top, and this past month I totally lost hope that I would even laugh again. If I don’t hear from her soon, I’m gonna start staring at the rats in the pet-store again (and you should never EVER buy animals in a store, EVER), that’s how crappy I feel.

On the house-front, I bought an apartment, haven’t told anyone except the family. It has its pros and cons but in the end it was price and location that tipped the scale, it was just too good to pass up on. But have no furniture, and don’t feel that motivated in getting any, since it’s on the third floor and no elevator…  Lame excuse I know. But I have no friends to help me with this kind of thing. I have my sister and her boyfriend, my dad (who has a very sore back) and my brother (who is always with his girlfriend out of town).

Not even gonna go into the dog-subject this time… 

First part -> 

Dogs, work, houses, rats, cats and life31 dec 2015
So, New Years Eve... woho. As I probably mentioned last year - I hate NYE, it just shows that yet an other year has passed and the same shit is or is not happening. So, what IS different?
* (Jan) I got a permanent job at that mine I've working for since 2011, but but I didnt get my own placement so they can move me around as they please. A major stress-factor for me, since that is happening right now. They have til Jan 31 to decide whether Ill stay (til summer) or if I have to start working daytime. If I work daytime - Ill never get to go to my house...
* (Feb) I got my first rats! A dream come true. Or so I thought. Nothing turned out as I hoped. And I dont even try to make it better, dont have the energy, it is drained.
* (May) My first real vacation ever (spent at the house of course)
* (Sep) Turned 25 in september, a major milestone to some, for me it is just a number that tells me how big of a failure I am, how much I s

  • Listening to: soundtracks
  • Reading: Assassins Creed Revelations
  • Watching: Da Vincis Demons
  • Playing: AC2, Rise of Berk
  • Eating: Candy
  • Drinking: Tea, milk

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Add a Comment:
Tiamatus Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2016
Thank you so much for the watch!
neopokles Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2016
Welcome and thank you in return :)
I really want to see more of those dragons ^^
Tiamatus Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2016
No problem at all! I hope not to disappoint!
ratinrage Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2016  Hobbyist Photographer
:wave: thanks for the :llama: =)
neopokles Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2016
RavenMontoya Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much for the watch! :iconflowerthnxplz:
neopokles Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2015
My pleasure! I adore your cats <3
EvenOne Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the llama!! :)
neopokles Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2014
Thank you for watch and llama :dummy:
EvenOne Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome!! ^_^
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