22 aug 2o14
So, a few weeks ago I wrote a looong section about what is troubling me, but I wont post that here (not only cause its in swedish), this year has literally been the worst of my life so far mentally... BUT have had almost two weeks of good mood, where nothing could bring me down. But now its starting to level out and with just the right push I'll be right back in that black hole again.
Have basically given up on the dog front all together now, stopped looking at adds, and hardly look at dogs outside any more. I dont know if Ive given up or accepted that it will never happen... It feels like my whole attitude towards dogs has just shifted... Not sure its good or bad either...
When going to the house on monday I think Im gonna start working in the kitchen, change wallpaper and paint the sealing... Maybe get a new kitchen table, and start move in some stuff... If I have time.
Neo started coming with me a few weeks ago, he loves it! He gets to go outside, I took a shot and let him out on his own, so far hes doing fine, even if he strolls a bit far from the house for my taste sometimes. Brought Tyra one week, but she get very panicked in the car and just keeps crying, and eventually vomits and soils herself from the stress of it. And well there she never really settled, so she wasn't herself all week. Maybe I can bring her when Im there for longer than a week...?
Been obsessed with anything Batman lately, have seen all the animated shows (well almost, still got a hundred episodes left of The Batman
and Batman Brave and the Bold
) and half the movies, found a few more and some Batman/Superman to see also. I've seen the Dark Knight and Rises this week (only once so far, but then the soundtrack is playing instead). And I play the games, Arkham Asylum
, Arkham City
and Arkham origins
, for hours a day. Now Im just waiting for Arkham Knight
! Not to mention I downloaded a lot
of comics to read!
Just checked the folder... I have around 1900 comics to read... YEEEAAAH!
- Reading: Abominable by Dan Simmons and lots and lots of Batman comics
- Listening to: Dark knight rises and Arkham City soundtrack
- Watching: Teen wolf, Legend of Korra, anything Batman
- Playing: Batman Arkham City, Dragons: Rise of Berk
- Eating: white chocolate Twix
26 jun 2o14
So! I have been a house owner for about two months now... I'ts starting to sink in or something. It feels better when Im there, just finished the renovation of the living room so will start to fill up with furniture next time I go (which will be on Monday).
Pics may show up now and then.
Nothing new on the dog-front. My uncle keep saying "En sån hund skulle du ha" meaning something like "You'd have such a dog" referring to Argo, his swedish moose-hound. Yes, I want my own dog, so much it hurts. But when I say I cant have one cause Im working - he does not get it. There should be so much bitterness and sadness in my voice, but he is totally oblivious of this and just says - "That's sensible of you" and rants about other people ignoring such things and later have no time for the dogs or whatever.
He does not understand how much it hurts me. Cause I want to do that insensible thing and just get a dog.
Still looking every day, several times a day at sales-adds, falling in love with dogs I can never get - breaking my heart every time in the process. There is this littler of Borzoi somewhere in the south part of the country - and they have to be among the most beautiful dogs I have ever seen, the add has been up several times for months, but they just cant seem to get them sold. So I see them popping up every now and then, thinking I could easily bring home two. But I cant.
Not to mention all the huskies and moosehounds out there - totally my kind of dog (in looks), but I dont skii or hunt so... Maybe I could start..? No...
Can at least start to bring Neo to the house now, it has been empty til now, but with some furniture starting to drop in next week, he wont be bored out of his mind - just think of the boxes!
Still not desided if I should let him go out there either, he's six and has been an indoor cat always - so he has never learned what he can and cant or should'nt do outside. Maybe Im overprotective cause I love this guy to death, but I keep seing him getting hit by a car (even though not ten passes my house per day), get lost in the forest, climb a tree and not be able to get down or getting killed by a dog or a wild animal (there are bears in the woods there). So build an enclosure? Where? Would be easiest to have it by a house wall so he can go in and out by the window, but that wont work - to few walls! And to little room around them...
Work has been hard this week, everything that can go wrong has, and everything we never heard of has also gone wrong... Exhausted... Cant wait til I get back to my house...
Im gonna be alone forever... Yep...
- Mood: tired
- Reading: Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton and The accidental werewolf by Dakota Cassidy
- Listening to: The How to train your dragon-books by Cressida Cowel, think Im at How to twist a dragon's tale.
- Watching: Teen wolf just started up again, Penny Dreadful, Beauty and the beast, saved Game of Thrones season four so am gonna watch all of it soon
- Playing: Batman Arkham Origins, Dragons: Rise of Berk
- Drinking: Pear soda, cocoa
- Eating: Marshmallow-fluff
________________________________________________________________________14 mar 2o14
So, Im back at work making money again, and what for? Not like I really have anything to spend it on. Still havent gotten the house, will sign papers and stuff in april, maybe... And will get the house in may or so. But Im working that week and the week after that so the earliest Ill get to go there is the 12th of may. Bleh.
Im fine with it, I am, Im just bitter as shit right now (and for the past few years or so).
Just a little stressed out about all the work I need to do on the house. There are no major renovations (I hope, dont know about the electricity), just a few paintjobs and a kitchen-fan that needs installing. Just hope I have the motivation to do it when the day comes.
And I can just forget ever getting a dog, a day-care-dog or a fosterdog or any kind of dog. Between work and the house there is simly no time. And everything is to iregular, I sometimes dont even know how Im gonna work next week, or next month, so cant make any plans. Have to just cease the moment all the time.
Damn, if I even get to pet a dog twice a year it feels like a lot... Sad really...
- Mood: Total sadness and hopelessness, mixed with indifference and a few panicattacks on the side. And tired, so friggin tired...
- Reading: The Red Knight by Miles Cameron and Blood bound by Patricia Briggs
- Watching: different shows, in the Mentalist, Jane was giving everyone what they always wanted as a kid but never got, wonder what he'd give me..?
- Playing: Skyrim
- Drinking: Zingo
- Eating: toast
And why am I writing this here? Perhaps I actually want someone to find it and read it and actually care. But I guess people have enough of their own problems.
________________________________________________________________________10 dec 2o13
Im at the point were I say SCREW IT, screw being responsible and wait til I get my life together, with a steady ground under my feet, and figure out what I want to do - for all I know that will take an other four and a half years. Im almost at the point where I get the dog first, to get a motivation to do something, and not just wilt away as I have been doing since my graduation four and a half years ago. I really need a really good carrot. Maybe my very own dog is just that?
However nothing will happen untill I have a house, but that is still some time away.
- Mood: I have absolutly no clue
- Listening to: soundtracks
- Reading: Last argument of Kings, Joe Abercrombie (I know its the same book, but I cant even muster up the willpower to finish this even if I like it)
- Watching: A buch of different shows, lots of DogWhisperer
- Playing: Hellboy: The Sciens of evil and Cut the rope
- Drinking: Hot coco and julmust (you figure out what that is)
11 nov 2o13
It has been a few months since I wrote the stuff below, and abolutely nothing has changed, except I am now without a job. Have been looking at a few houses, found one I really liked but it is in the wrong place. Not to mention a lot of "hidden" expences to it. Going away tomorrow to look at an other one, my dad really likes it, but he and I have very different ideas on what is adequate indoors.
Lay thinking a lot of how my dreamhouse would look like, such a place dont exist. And if it did I will never have the money to buy it or build it.
As for the dog-department it feels even more hopeless than before. Have had sooooo much extra time since my contract expired, and would have loved nothing more than a dog to spend it with, but then again - I have to have a job, and I might get back to my old one - and then Im back to being gone 9-13 hours a day. Feel so hopeless I just want to cry.
Looking at sales-ads every day, falls in love with a lot of dogs in the pics and break my heart over and over again when I cant go and get em. Why do I do that? Every time I get a litte more indifferent, and just dont care anymore, about anything. Instead of getting motivated to do something, to work towards a goal, to have something to look forward to.
I cant do anything anyway, so I just ignore or shut down. Cause that is how I deal with the world right now. Screw it.
- Mood: Depressed, sad, alone, indifferent, misunderstood
- Listening to: soundtracks
- Reading: Last argument of Kings, Joe Abercrombie
- Watching: 14 different shows - The Mentalist, Once upon a time, How I met your mother, Dracula, Grimm, Beauty and the Beast, Elementary, Sleepy Hollow, Vampire Diaries, The Originals, Arrow, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, Legend of Korra and Defenders of Berk. And a few movies.
- Playing: Assassins Creed (Im out of game at the moment but the next parts should land in the mailbox any day)
- Drinking: Green Tea
- Eating: chocolate
PS Added some dogs to the list below, and moved others around, but its just "for fun" anyway...
6 sep 2o13
Dogs, work and houses are the only things on my mind these days.
Damn, I'm at it again - looking through hundreds of dogpictures here on dA. Can sit for hours just scrolling down, finding and faving the golds among the silvers and coppers.
Have wanted my own dog for so long, but have always been denied it from my parents, dad and animals have never been a good match, as soon as the animal does something they should not do. But the main reason was "allergies", dad is a little sensitive to fur but not as much as for example my aunt.
Never could hang on to any friends when I was a kid and I was always the third wheel among us three siblings. So I was, and still am, most of the time alone.
I do have Neo, my cat, and Tyra, the family cat, but they aren't enough anymore. I want to get out there. Just walking alone feels stupid. I want someone to grow with. And since me and humans just doesn't match - a dog is an obvious choice. BUT, I'm 22 going on 23, still living at home, got no steady job so no money rolling in, and say I did get a job, then I would be gone for most of the day so I can't have one anyway - cause I can't leave it alone all day. Unless I have a house with a joining outdoor kennel, so they can walk in and out of themselves to pee and such. But still, ten hous a day alone is a long time... And when I get home I'm supertired and then they need to get some exersize and food before bed and start all over again the next day.
Yes, I'm a born pessimist. Or realist. What's the difference?
And I like so many different kinds of dogs! And I have no idea what I want to do with them besides walking in the woods, mabey some agility and basic everyday training. Have no interest in competitions of dog-shows or such.
And I don't know what I am willing to do with a dog, how much time I'm prepaired to put down, in all weathers. I mean, when I sit the old brittany i walk him or bike with him, but he is not mine! I think I would be so much different with my own dog! One that has grown together with me, who can have a lazy day once in a while and some hyper-play-days sometimes. And just walk-and-enjoy-the-world-days.
I like such a wide variety of breeds, but mabey that is a good thing for finding the perfect dog?
Irish wolfhounds have been a favorit these past couple of years, I mean every time I see one my heart is pounding and I get all excited. But their care conserns me. They have a tendensy to get bloat, so feeding and exercising takes a lot of time, they have to be trimmed (easier to groom and keep them cleen if you do) and they have such short life span and such long list of health-issues. Makes me depressed just thinking of it...
Alternatives are Borzoi or Scottish Deerhound. Both generally timid breeds, but with less problems.
American Staff and Belgian shepherds, need more mental exercie than physical apart from the guys above. Not sure I have the energi and the imagination to keeps them satisfied...
And for smaller dogs I have beed looking at Chihuahua, Schipperke and Basenji. Three very differnt dogs with different origins and needs...
And a ton of other breeds (mostly based on looks, I'm ashamed to say, but isn't that what gets your attention in the firts place, and then you can read up on them to see if it can work?). Like Finnish spiz, Norrbottensspets, Hälleforsare or Lajka (all hunting breeds). Or Saluki, Alaskan Husky, Shiba, Saarloos Wolfhound, Farao hound and Lapsk vallhund. Oh, and Great Pyrenees, if I ever got alpacas, so that they could guard them you know, but a tame polar bear in your livingroom aint so bad either.
For a while I was also tuned in on Bassethhound (the only hound I really like), Irish softcoated weathen terrier and Irish Terrier. All of these with so many different origins, and needs. And so many others...
New breeds that have come to my attention are Tamaskan, Mudi, Caanan dog, Xoloitzcuintle (with fur), Podenco ibicenco, Shorthair Collie and Silken Windhound.
And when I was a kid I liked Riesenschnauzer, Australian Shepherd and Jack russel terrier, but I grew out of these, and thought better of it.
Any dog that has a wild look to it, that resembles a Dingo or New guinea singing hound, just get extra long looks from me. That is how a dog is supposed to look like, they give a healthy vibe and give a taste of how dogs might have looked like before humans started to design them. And also how dogs look like after a long time without human interaction. Just look at street dogs, they have sertain body-type, even if constant new blood keep mixing it up. And camoflage is not so important in the cities so the colorations can be anything (even if black, tan and yellow are very dominant colors). Spaaaciiing...
But most dogs that look like that are mutts. I have nothing againts mutts, I might add, not really! I love how most of them look, but what concerns me is the insane combinations they sometimes are - and who buys them. People just buys a pretty puppy not knowing a thing about what they are getting or how to handle them.
I totally belive that dogs are Animals-Dogs-Breeds in that order so even if a dog has very conflicting instincts due to very different breeds in the mix,they can still be just dogs! before breed. And a dog works for his food, he explores, walks, runs, plays and so on. Just find something that matches the dog, and keep it under control, never allow the dog to get stressed because of something you are doing with him, so keep calm and be clear when you start and end any exersize.
I'm spacing out, loosing track, not uncommon when I write. Sry. There is just soooooooo much to write. Sry again for spelling errors, comp not set on English...
Did I mention I really want a dog? Or at least get a grip of my life so I maybe can get one before I die..? Not feeling very hopeful at the moment. Will in the meantime keep looking at not-knowing-how-lucky-they-are-idiots with dogs and prettys pics on the internet, and slowly kill myself with the depression...