24 feb 2015
I said screw it
________________________________________________________________________14 feb 2015
The thing messing with my head these days is looking for an apartment. Have seen two perfect ones but Im not getting myself into bidding. WHY? I dont hate my job, but its not something I want to do until retirement or until the company crashes or until they fire me (which they actually might do, due to budgetcuts and last in - first out). So, do I want to spend my entire saving and take a loan that is even bigger than that to buy a small apartment in a town I absolutely hate and know I have to stay at a job I dont fully heartedly want for some years more only to come to pay off the loan. And then what? It does not help that my dad is so anti this, he goes on and on about a car-space with heatercable (we need those in the winter or the car wont start or break), not to mention the price of a small apartment. This has a spartingbid of half a million swedish (rughly 60K US or 38.5K £).
Im 24 years old, isnt it time for me to get out of my parents house? I tried with the house - but a job is hard to find. Well not hard exactly, but nothing I want to do.
In this town I just go between the bed, the job and the food-store. NOTHING ells. I have nothing in this town. And little in the one where my house is. But I think that would be the case wherever I go.
I have to get out, at least twice a week I get so down I just want to fall dead on the spot. Last monday (two weeks ago) was the worst thing I ever experienced, have no idea what happened but I just wanted out of my own head and body so bad... really hard to describe.
But as usual these things are worse when Im alone - what does that mean if I get my own place? At the house Im more active, cause I have to go out to feed the birds, shovel snow, take in firewood and then keep the fire alive indoors. So Im not as passive as I am here. That helps. Here I just dont have the energy to even move.
Was so close to just saw screw it and get me a couple of rats last week. My old school announced that they had a bunch of baby-rats for sale (along with other animals), and I just snapped (three weeks ago). I was so angry and sad and frustrated for a whole day. Just wanted to punch something. Maybe I should have. And that was just the breaking point, tuns of other stuff is also bothering me at the same time.
As I said, I was so close to going there and just pick out a pair, but my car was still in the carshop. Sooo - stranded. And then there was a viewing on an apartment, which I had fallen in love with but had NO chans of getting. And when I got the car back I was just so deflated, exhausted. So didnt go even if most of my free week was still ahead.
Those rats are probably dead by now, cause thats what they do, babies noone wants they have no room for so they kill them (yes, there are more humane words for it, but basically that is what happens). That is what happend to my Jossi after all.
So, now I hast live with these lumps in my chest and stomach, constantly feeling that I should do something before the time runs out. And I just sit by passively doing nothing and then regret it when its to late. Story of my life. Just cause I dont have the energy anymore.
- Mood: hopeless
- Listening to: -
- Reading: Heart of the Wolf by Terry Spear and The name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss
- Watching: all my shows
- Playing: Assassins creed Unity
- Eating: Snickers
- Drinking: -
________________________________________________________________________14 jan 2015
So, looks like I'll be getting a job at that mine I've been at since 2011. A more permanent job. They just dont have room for me where Im currently working so I might have to relocate. And I really do not want to. It's a daytime job - meaning - no more time to go to my house. Can only go there a few times a year, unless I want to exhaust my already drained mind by going over a weekend, its a four hour drive and I only get one day.
Did I mention I really do not want this job?
So, have been starting to look for apartments in town, they are not cheap. Seriously, you have to pay thrice as much as I did for the house and get half the indoor space, there are no private outdoor space at all. So it feels like I have to sell the house to get a tiny apartment, to go to a job I don't want in a town I nowadays hate.
Not gonna sell it though... But don't want to have to take a loan either. Don't want to stay here. But you have to have a job to live. But I don't want to live anymore. Can't take it anymore.
Have nothing to live for except my cat. And he is not gonna live forever.
And that dog I mentioned in the precious entry? On their webpage he was named Chameleon and he was up for sale. Now he is Orion and he stays with the breeder? Don't know if they had the pictures wrong or if they changed their minds. Just know that it crushed me, cause yet again I led myself to believe that maybe this time, this time I could get a dog. Nope.
________________________________________________________________________1 jan 2o15
So, went to bed yesterday without looking at any fireworks, apart from the few I could not avoid. Working between 14-22 this week so come home kinda late. Don't like new years eve any more, it just reminds me that I am alone, and that another year has passed. One more year of the same shit and misery, of nothing.
Have been more broken than usual these past couple of days. Have zero energy even though I sleep a lot. But then again, yesterday I woke up at three in the morning and could not fall back asleep for hours.
Usually I'm at least just neutral or indifferent to everything - now I'm outright sad, close to tears half the time and just tired, so tired.
Writing again so soon, cause the Chancos published the first individual photos of the puppies in the so called Starlitter. In their last litter there was this dark red female that just melted me, she and one of her sisters where just the most wonderful I have seen in so long. Of course they were both pegged by other buyers (not that I am a buyer...) Now there is a male with the same gorgeous dark color... And an even white spot over his nose. I'm just... Remembering that I can never get one after falling in love like this is like getting it ripped from my very hands over and over again, while getting yelled in the face "THIS IS NOT FOR YOU!", preferably while kicking me as well.
Can someone just tell me to stop looking!? To stop with this mental torture? And just tell me, that Im supposed to be alone forever, there is no point in getting my hopes up?
And the rats? I don't feel anything from looking at pictures anymore. It's been so long since I had the nice, warm, soft body of a rat curled up next to me, I hardly remember what its like anymore.
Damn, Im glad no one is reading this...
________________________________________________________________________26 dec 2o14
So, things are a little messed up right now, but one thing at a time.
Didn't go to mu house this week, cause of Christmas and all, so there are an additional week and a half before I can go. But not very motivated anyway. Am so bored I don't know what to do with myself. Was almost inspired to start fixing up the upstairs floors until I found out about my potential new job situation... After that everything just drained from me.
Yes, a new job, maybe. The thing is, they don't really need me anymore at the place Im at, so to keep me in the company they want to relocate me to someplace ells. Which I really do not want! The alternatives are - me going without a job for a few months until they can take me back (YES please, I need the vacation!), or me going to this interview in two week to determine whether I get the job or not - if I do, I could get stuck there for two years! On daytime! Meaning I wont see my house for two years! More or less. And the job is in a very small group, maybe even just me and my "mentor" - I don't do so good with that either, cause that means I have to be social and crap. It's forced on me.
But I know I have become way to comfortable at my position, life is not supposed to be this easy at my age, so change scares the hell out of me. And of course I blame everyone ells for it, cause it's everyone ells' fault Im messed up. It is. Partially. I just don't see why I have to fix it myself, when so many participated in breaking me in the first place?
So I'm more or less terrified of people cause I never learned to deal with them when I was young. I have been on my own for so many years. I mean, I got friends in school, but I don't see them very often...
And also, the dogfront...
Those breeders I mentioned below...? They still got one pup from that litter, he is really cute, and those eyes are to die for. The thing is, they already have a next litter, they are two weeks or something. The female comes from Israel, a breeder there that also works with semi-wild Canaans, and the male has the head of a polar-bear. And most of the pups are so dark... I'm drooling. And I managed to go all day and not look at sales-adds of dogs and then they post that on their wall. Something literally broke inside me. Again. Didn't know I still had something to break.
You can visit their facebook-page
if you want and see for yourself.
- Mood: Depressed and broken, and restless, and stressed about the job-thing
- Listening to:
- Reading: Dragon Strike by E.E Knight
- Watching: tv
- Playing: Assassins Creed revelations (again) Replaying the games, in wait of the new ones (which I DID NOT get at Christmas so I'll have to buy them myself (fucking spoiled brat for whining...)), Dragons Rise of Berk and Sims FreePlay
- Eating: candy, waaaaay to much candy
- Drinking: julmust and milk
29 sep 2o14
P.S Also found a few breeders of pet-rats recently that's not to far from my house. In case you did not know that - rats was the first pet I wanted (after a dog of course), I didn't get rats, I got guinea-pigs cause my dad is afraid of rats. So I started looking for cages that would fit in my room (I still live in two places, where one is very small), and started getting my hopes up. But you have to be realistic. We have a cat here that I can't trust around small animals (she worked with the last guinea-pig but not the mouse), not to mention all the stuff in this room. So they would not get much exercise here.
And also, I have to be honest with myself - am I gonna have the energy to clean cages again? To keep up their kinda high demands on food? This depression of mine, has gotten me to stop caring. And if I was lazy before, I'm practically dead now. Haven't got energy for anything, same goes for a dog.
So even if I did get a dog or rats, the depression would probably still be there, even with these wonderful distractions (that I really want (on a good day. On a bad day... its really bad)), cause there are still "the big things" that cause the worst panic-attacks, or would it help give me the strength to live and not just barely survive, as I do now?
Am obsessing over Canaan dogs these days... fell in love with this breed a while ago and later found a kennel that seems really good (lucky me it a thousand miles away, so there is not even a point in wishing). And they have one male, I have just fallen so hard for, he is bloody beautiful! I mean look at this guy! se.images.search.yahoo.com/ima…
The thing is, he is the father of their latest litter. And we get the first pics of the puppies tomorrow when they turn two weeks old. I just know, Im gonna melt completely for at least one of them. So have been torturing myself mentally, reminding myself that I can never get a dog even if they would approve of me as a buyer...
Have had almost two months with no depression this summer, and I think that might be cause I just cut out dogs all together (well, more or less, some you just cant avoid). But I stopped looking at adds and I more or less stopped the looong looks after every dog on the street. And now I have slipped back into old patterns again...
Son of a... it's hard to explain just how much it means to me! I probably just sound like some whino, who just nags and nags, and express just how sorry everyone should be for me. Well if you interpret this that way, then you havent gotten the message at all, so move on.
Maybe should take my own advise...?
Even ordered books on Canaan, Irish wolfhound and Basenji... Those along with Borzoi are probably my top candidates at this point. But as I said, it does not
matter, cause it will never
happen... it's just the way life is.
- Reading: Blood of tyrants by Naomi Novik and Batman comics
- Listening to: soundtracks
- Watching: Gotham, Agents of SHIELD, Witches of East end and soon every other tvshow that starts up now
- Playing: Assassins Creed, Dragons: Rise of Berk
- Eating: Too much of everything, have gained some weight this past month...
________________________________________________________________________22 aug 2o14
So, a few weeks ago I wrote a looong section about what is troubling me, but I wont post that here (not only cause its in swedish), this year has literally been the worst of my life so far mentally... BUT have had almost two weeks of good mood, where nothing could bring me down. But now its starting to level out and with just the right push I'll be right back in that black hole again.
Have basically given up on the dog front all together now, stopped looking at adds, and hardly look at dogs outside any more. I dont know if Ive given up or accepted that it will never happen... It feels like my whole attitude towards dogs has just shifted... Not sure its good or bad either...
When going to the house on monday I think Im gonna start working in the kitchen, change wallpaper and paint the sealing... Maybe get a new kitchen table, and start move in some stuff... If I have time.
Neo started coming with me a few weeks ago, he loves it! He gets to go outside, I took a shot and let him out on his own, so far hes doing fine, even if he strolls a bit far from the house for my taste sometimes. Brought Tyra one week, but she get very panicked in the car and just keeps crying, and eventually vomits and soils herself from the stress of it. And well there she never really settled, so she wasn't herself all week. Maybe I can bring her when Im there for longer than a week...?
Been obsessed with anything Batman lately, have seen all the animated shows (well almost, still got a hundred episodes left of The Batman
and Batman Brave and the Bold
) and half the movies, found a few more and some Batman/Superman to see also. I've seen the Dark Knight and Rises this week (only once so far, but then the soundtrack is playing instead). And I play the games, Arkham Asylum
, Arkham City
and Arkham origins
, for hours a day. Now Im just waiting for Arkham Knight
! Not to mention I downloaded a lot
of comics to read!
Just checked the folder... I have around 1900 comics to read... YEEEAAAH!
- Reading: Abominable by Dan Simmons and lots and lots of Batman comics
- Listening to: Dark knight rises and Arkham City soundtrack
- Watching: Teen wolf, Legend of Korra, anything Batman
- Playing: Batman Arkham City, Dragons: Rise of Berk
- Eating: white chocolate Twix
26 jun 2o14
So! I have been a house owner for about two months now... I'ts starting to sink in or something. It feels better when Im there, just finished the renovation of the living room so will start to fill up with furniture next time I go (which will be on Monday).
Pics may show up now and then.
Nothing new on the dog-front. My uncle keep saying "En sån hund skulle du ha" meaning something like "You'd have such a dog" referring to Argo, his swedish moose-hound. Yes, I want my own dog, so much it hurts. But when I say I cant have one cause Im working - he does not get it. There should be so much bitterness and sadness in my voice, but he is totally oblivious of this and just says - "That's sensible of you" and rants about other people ignoring such things and later have no time for the dogs or whatever.
He does not understand how much it hurts me. Cause I want to do that insensible thing and just get a dog.
Still looking every day, several times a day at sales-adds, falling in love with dogs I can never get - breaking my heart every time in the process. There is this littler of Borzoi somewhere in the south part of the country - and they have to be among the most beautiful dogs I have ever seen, the add has been up several times for months, but they just cant seem to get them sold. So I see them popping up every now and then, thinking I could easily bring home two. But I cant.
Not to mention all the huskies and moosehounds out there - totally my kind of dog (in looks), but I dont skii or hunt so... Maybe I could start..? No...
Can at least start to bring Neo to the house now, it has been empty til now, but with some furniture starting to drop in next week, he wont be bored out of his mind - just think of the boxes!
Still not desided if I should let him go out there either, he's six and has been an indoor cat always - so he has never learned what he can and cant or should'nt do outside. Maybe Im overprotective cause I love this guy to death, but I keep seing him getting hit by a car (even though not ten passes my house per day), get lost in the forest, climb a tree and not be able to get down or getting killed by a dog or a wild animal (there are bears in the woods there). So build an enclosure? Where? Would be easiest to have it by a house wall so he can go in and out by the window, but that wont work - to few walls! And to little room around them...
Work has been hard this week, everything that can go wrong has, and everything we never heard of has also gone wrong... Exhausted... Cant wait til I get back to my house...
Im gonna be alone forever... Yep...
- Mood: tired
- Reading: Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton and The accidental werewolf by Dakota Cassidy
- Listening to: The How to train your dragon-books by Cressida Cowel, think Im at How to twist a dragon's tale.
- Watching: Teen wolf just started up again, Penny Dreadful, Beauty and the beast, saved Game of Thrones season four so am gonna watch all of it soon
- Playing: Batman Arkham Origins, Dragons: Rise of Berk
- Drinking: Pear soda, cocoa
- Eating: Marshmallow-fluff
________________________________________________________________________14 mar 2o14
So, Im back at work making money again, and what for? Not like I really have anything to spend it on. Still havent gotten the house, will sign papers and stuff in april, maybe... And will get the house in may or so. But Im working that week and the week after that so the earliest Ill get to go there is the 12th of may. Bleh.
Im fine with it, I am, Im just bitter as shit right now (and for the past few years or so).
Just a little stressed out about all the work I need to do on the house. There are no major renovations (I hope, dont know about the electricity), just a few paintjobs and a kitchen-fan that needs installing. Just hope I have the motivation to do it when the day comes.
And I can just forget ever getting a dog, a day-care-dog or a fosterdog or any kind of dog. Between work and the house there is simly no time. And everything is to iregular, I sometimes dont even know how Im gonna work next week, or next month, so cant make any plans. Have to just cease the moment all the time.
Damn, if I even get to pet a dog twice a year it feels like a lot... Sad really...
- Mood: Total sadness and hopelessness, mixed with indifference and a few panicattacks on the side. And tired, so friggin tired...
- Reading: The Red Knight by Miles Cameron and Blood bound by Patricia Briggs
- Watching: different shows, in the Mentalist, Jane was giving everyone what they always wanted as a kid but never got, wonder what he'd give me..?
- Playing: Skyrim
- Drinking: Zingo
- Eating: toast
And why am I writing this here? Perhaps I actually want someone to find it and read it and actually care. But I guess people have enough of their own problems.
________________________________________________________________________10 dec 2o13
Im at the point were I say SCREW IT, screw being responsible and wait til I get my life together, with a steady ground under my feet, and figure out what I want to do - for all I know that will take an other four and a half years. Im almost at the point where I get the dog first, to get a motivation to do something, and not just wilt away as I have been doing since my graduation four and a half years ago. I really need a really good carrot. Maybe my very own dog is just that?
However nothing will happen untill I have a house, but that is still some time away.
- Mood: I have absolutly no clue
- Listening to: soundtracks
- Reading: Last argument of Kings, Joe Abercrombie (I know its the same book, but I cant even muster up the willpower to finish this even if I like it)
- Watching: A buch of different shows, lots of DogWhisperer
- Playing: Hellboy: The Sciens of evil and Cut the rope
- Drinking: Hot coco and julmust (you figure out what that is)
11 nov 2o13
It has been a few months since I wrote the stuff below, and abolutely nothing has changed, except I am now without a job. Have been looking at a few houses, found one I really liked but it is in the wrong place. Not to mention a lot of "hidden" expences to it. Going away tomorrow to look at an other one, my dad really likes it, but he and I have very different ideas on what is adequate indoors.
Lay thinking a lot of how my dreamhouse would look like, such a place dont exist. And if it did I will never have the money to buy it or build it.
As for the dog-department it feels even more hopeless than before. Have had sooooo much extra time since my contract expired, and would have loved nothing more than a dog to spend it with, but then again - I have to have a job, and I might get back to my old one - and then Im back to being gone 9-13 hours a day. Feel so hopeless I just want to cry.
Looking at sales-ads every day, falls in love with a lot of dogs in the pics and break my heart over and over again when I cant go and get em. Why do I do that? Every time I get a litte more indifferent, and just dont care anymore, about anything. Instead of getting motivated to do something, to work towards a goal, to have something to look forward to.
I cant do anything anyway, so I just ignore or shut down. Cause that is how I deal with the world right now. Screw it.
- Mood: Depressed, sad, alone, indifferent, misunderstood
- Listening to: soundtracks
- Reading: Last argument of Kings, Joe Abercrombie
- Watching: 14 different shows - The Mentalist, Once upon a time, How I met your mother, Dracula, Grimm, Beauty and the Beast, Elementary, Sleepy Hollow, Vampire Diaries, The Originals, Arrow, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, Legend of Korra and Defenders of Berk. And a few movies.
- Playing: Assassins Creed (Im out of game at the moment but the next parts should land in the mailbox any day)
- Drinking: Green Tea
- Eating: chocolate
PS Added some dogs to the list below, and moved others around, but its just "for fun" anyway...
6 sep 2o13
Dogs, work and houses are the only things on my mind these days.
Damn, I'm at it again - looking through hundreds of dogpictures here on dA. Can sit for hours just scrolling down, finding and faving the golds among the silvers and coppers.
Have wanted my own dog for so long, but have always been denied it from my parents, dad and animals have never been a good match, as soon as the animal does something they should not do. But the main reason was "allergies", dad is a little sensitive to fur but not as much as for example my aunt.
Never could hang on to any friends when I was a kid and I was always the third wheel among us three siblings. So I was, and still am, most of the time alone.
I do have Neo, my cat, and Tyra, the family cat, but they aren't enough anymore. I want to get out there. Just walking alone feels stupid. I want someone to grow with. And since me and humans just doesn't match - a dog is an obvious choice. BUT, I'm 22 going on 23, still living at home, got no steady job so no money rolling in, and say I did get a job, then I would be gone for most of the day so I can't have one anyway - cause I can't leave it alone all day. Unless I have a house with a joining outdoor kennel, so they can walk in and out of themselves to pee and such. But still, ten hous a day alone is a long time... And when I get home I'm supertired and then they need to get some exersize and food before bed and start all over again the next day.
Yes, I'm a born pessimist. Or realist. What's the difference?
And I like so many different kinds of dogs! And I have no idea what I want to do with them besides walking in the woods, mabey some agility and basic everyday training. Have no interest in competitions of dog-shows or such.
And I don't know what I am willing to do with a dog, how much time I'm prepaired to put down, in all weathers. I mean, when I sit the old brittany i walk him or bike with him, but he is not mine! I think I would be so much different with my own dog! One that has grown together with me, who can have a lazy day once in a while and some hyper-play-days sometimes. And just walk-and-enjoy-the-world-days.
I like such a wide variety of breeds, but mabey that is a good thing for finding the perfect dog?
Irish wolfhounds have been a favorit these past couple of years, I mean every time I see one my heart is pounding and I get all excited. But their care conserns me. They have a tendensy to get bloat, so feeding and exercising takes a lot of time, they have to be trimmed (easier to groom and keep them cleen if you do) and they have such short life span and such long list of health-issues. Makes me depressed just thinking of it...
Alternatives are Borzoi or Scottish Deerhound. Both generally timid breeds, but with less problems.
American Staff and Belgian shepherds, need more mental exercie than physical apart from the guys above. Not sure I have the energi and the imagination to keeps them satisfied...
And for smaller dogs I have beed looking at Chihuahua, Schipperke and Basenji. Three very differnt dogs with different origins and needs...
And a ton of other breeds (mostly based on looks, I'm ashamed to say, but isn't that what gets your attention in the firts place, and then you can read up on them to see if it can work?). Like Finnish spiz, Norrbottensspets, Hälleforsare or Lajka (all hunting breeds). Or Saluki, Alaskan Husky, Shiba, Saarloos Wolfhound, Farao hound and Lapsk vallhund. Oh, and Great Pyrenees, if I ever got alpacas, so that they could guard them you know, but a tame polar bear in your livingroom aint so bad either.
For a while I was also tuned in on Bassethhound (the only hound I really like), Irish softcoated weathen terrier and Irish Terrier. All of these with so many different origins, and needs. And so many others...
New breeds that have come to my attention are Tamaskan, Mudi, Caanan dog, Xoloitzcuintle (with fur), Podenco ibicenco, Shorthair Collie and Silken Windhound.
And when I was a kid I liked Riesenschnauzer, Australian Shepherd and Jack russel terrier, but I grew out of these, and thought better of it.
Any dog that has a wild look to it, that resembles a Dingo or New guinea singing hound, just get extra long looks from me. That is how a dog is supposed to look like, they give a healthy vibe and give a taste of how dogs might have looked like before humans started to design them. And also how dogs look like after a long time without human interaction. Just look at street dogs, they have sertain body-type, even if constant new blood keep mixing it up. And camoflage is not so important in the cities so the colorations can be anything (even if black, tan and yellow are very dominant colors). Spaaaciiing...
But most dogs that look like that are mutts. I have nothing againts mutts, I might add, not really! I love how most of them look, but what concerns me is the insane combinations they sometimes are - and who buys them. People just buys a pretty puppy not knowing a thing about what they are getting or how to handle them.
I totally belive that dogs are Animals-Dogs-Breeds in that order so even if a dog has very conflicting instincts due to very different breeds in the mix,they can still be just dogs! before breed. And a dog works for his food, he explores, walks, runs, plays and so on. Just find something that matches the dog, and keep it under control, never allow the dog to get stressed because of something you are doing with him, so keep calm and be clear when you start and end any exersize.
I'm spacing out, loosing track, not uncommon when I write. Sry. There is just soooooooo much to write. Sry again for spelling errors, comp not set on English...
Did I mention I really want a dog? Or at least get a grip of my life so I maybe can get one before I die..? Not feeling very hopeful at the moment. Will in the meantime keep looking at not-knowing-how-lucky-they-are-idiots with dogs and prettys pics on the internet, and slowly kill myself with the depression...